From Despair to Destiny!

Have you ever had a time in you life when you began to question life itself? The meaning or significance of life, the part you have to play in this world or just thinking to yourself, "There’s got to be more to it than what I am experiencing?" I can tell you that I have been there. A place where I really lacked the human words to express how I was feeling or even what I was feeling. I could only moan it out with sounds that came from within my deeper parts.

I believe we all want more and we all feel something or someone inside of us, much larger than us trying to emerge through us. We just don't know exactly what it is. So we try many things in life as an attempt to help us move from that awful feeling of despair or to try to satisfy a thirst or hunger that will not go away. We have some temporary moments of triumph only to find ourselves back to that place again.

Back in the fall of 1994 on a cold rainy day, I found myself about as low as one could get. I felt like someone had just cut open the top of my head and poured all the blood and life out of me. I could barely lift myself out of bed. I was not physically sick or ill, I was just "low." I finally got myself out of bed and drove to my neighbor’s house who happened to be my best friend. Did I mention that I did not comb my hair, wash my face, brush my teeth, put on a bra, or shoes? I wore a t-shirt and pair of shorts. Anyone who knew me could attest that I was surely in a place of despair to leave my home looking this way in the cold rain. I was indeed desperate and desperate people do desperate things. I didn't care because in my mind, my life had bottomed out. Do you feel me?

When I arrived at my friend's house, the look on her face as she looked at me, assured me that I was really "crazy." I looked a hot mess!! I felt even worse. And all I could muster out of my mouth was, "I can't take this anymore!" She didn't even bother to ask me what I was talking about; she just knew it was really, really bad. She had witnessed me over the past few months slowly getting to this place of despair.

But what she did ask me changed the course of my life forever. She knelt down to the chair I was sitting in, moved into my personal space, (I know I probably didn't smell too good) looked into eyes and asked, "Angela, What do YOU WANT?" Wow, as simple as that question was, it went through my entire being like a bolt of lightening, my body actually shook.

No one had ever asked me that question before then. I have been asked, what would Jesus do, what is in the best interest for everyone, what is the right thing to do, what did your mom say, what did your husband say, what about the kids and so on? But never had anyone even thought to ask me what I wanted. I was clueless because up until then I had made all of my previous decisions based on other people's expectations of me and now I was expected to make a decision based on my own personal wants and desires and I was frightened.

That my friend began my journey from despair to fulfilling my destiny with clarity, passion, purpose and power. I began a 7 year journey into discovering my truest self. For one solid year, I did not work in order to study, read, pray, journal, and meditate. Some times I would do this for 8-10 hours a day. There were times that I did not come outside of my house for weeks at a time. When I truly connected to God, I found my voice, I found my rhythm, I heard my heart beat and I listened. It was sometimes difficult and sometimes painful but so very necessary. And I listened. I listened to the Voice inside that told me that I could, that I was, that I am. I emerged and evolved from the caterpillar to the free beautify butterfly.

While I must confess, I am still a wondrous work in process, and have so much more growing and learning to do which will be for a lifetime. But I have discovered that God sees me perfect and sees me as I can be and not as I am. That makes be want to be more and do more for that very reason. I no longer hesitate at what I want out of life. I speak it and live it out loud with clarity. I am having a fantastic time on this journey of discovering each day my amazing worth and value. As I learn it and begin to practice it, I also share it. I know now that my life's purpose is to help others find their true authentic identity, discover their purpose and live out their destiny with passion, purpose and power!!

While my experiences may not be yours, we all share a common desire in life and that is to be loved and to feel significant. It is what men die for and babies cry for. But what I have learned thus far on this amazing journey is that I cannot look outside of myself for either. It begins with me internally and whatever I become internally, I will begin to experience externally. So if love is what I seek, I must become the love which I seek by connecting with the Love Source, who is God.

Life is an amazing journey. It has so many detours and side roads, but the wonderful thing is, we can always find our way back home, safe and un-removed. When you depend on God, you are entrusting your life to His guidance with a lifetime of guaranty within a supportive spiritual system which is unfailing. You can move from despair to your destiny. I did on a cold rainy autumn day, and it feels GREAT!!!